To forgive or not to forgive

Must I bear this cup of suffering any longer?

Might I carry my pride upon my shoulders so as not to forgive?

Or might I swallow my ego

Or my hurt instead

And watch this burden flee from me?

To forgive or not to forgive

Him for that thing that has taken him away from me

Him for that thing that stretches its curvy, manipulative arms and draws him in

Allowing him, with every curve he makes with his fingers, to embrace it

Swallowing him in long, fiery gulps

Empowering him to provide for it and not for me

Causing him to forget his responsibility

Licensing him to preach lies to me

Conditioning him to say “I love you” and “I am sorry”

Maybe because he expects me to give in and accept him back wholeheartedly

Accept him back from deceit

Accept him back from neglect

Accept him back because I always do

To forgive or not to forgive

See in the kingdom, I have seen and felt many things

I have seen the deceit through the redness of the king’s minute eyes

I have seen the shame in his fingers

The shame that cause him to tremble

And deny what he has allowed his fingers, his hands to do

I have felt the heat of bare palms across my face

I have felt the sting of the strip of black leather grip my waist

See, the king’s native tongue is lie

He consoles with me those same tender fingers that he allows to curl and grip that thing that keeps him away from me

He grazes his fingertips down my lips, silencing my pain

He tells me, “It won’t happen again”

But so why did it then?

My lips slightly part, ready to break the silence

And ask “So why did it then?”

But gently, he hushes me

Forcing me to deny everything that I have watched and felt him do to me

He leads me into the temptation of trusting him

But he delivers me from that temptation by showing me something we will never be: happy

To forgive or not to forgive

That thing that consumes him, drowns him, and keeps him

Keeps him away from me

Keeps him away from us

To forgive or not to forgive